Body, Mind

Perpetual Exhaustion

I managed to have one sober day this past week.  It was a tough week.  I continue to beat myself up, fail, beat myself up some more, quit my goal and re-commit.

It was a very messy week.

I noticed that I disguise quitting as changin my mind.  I changed my mind about wanting to quit drinking.  In actuality, I had failed my goal and changing my mind felt a little easier than admitting I failed.

Changing my mind also made it harder to re-commit to my goal.  When I changed my mind on Thursday and decided that quitting alcohol was a lame goal I was basically letting myself off the hook in real time but ultimately when I woke up the next day and felt like a failure I realized that I really do want to quit.

How can I stop ‘changing my mind’ and stay committed?  I don’t know the answer.  In this age of technology where there is an app for every problem and we all want instant results it’s much harder to stay focused on the outcome I want.  Could all the tech gadgets and apps be hurting my ability to stay focused?  I’m curious about this.

In my younger days I loved setting goals and crushing them.  I had no help from technology.  I could commit to hard things and carry them out. In 8th grade I quit chewing my fingernails.  In my teens I set a goal to earn enough money for a 10 speed bike.  In my twenties I worked up the career ladder.  In my thirties I was in the best physical health of my life and my husband and I started a business with no experience and no money.  25 years later, we are still in business.  In my forties we had a family, continued with our business and then things went off the rails.

I am now 52.  I am perpetually tired, have no focus and generally feel like a failure most days.  Setting a goal like quitting alcohol and then failing on a daily basis has not helped.  It has stopped me from setting other goals.  I don’t like how failure feels.  I’m in this stuck place.  I think my lack of energy is the root problem.  What do I do with this piece of information?  How do I get more energy?

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