I have always struggled with goal setting. I never stick to a goal I have set. I get wishy washy, change my mind and then tell myself it wasn’t a good goal anyway.
I’m in a program called Self Coaching Scholars. It’s amazing.
Last month we were working on dreaming big. For the entire month, every day when I sat down to work on my assignment my mind went completely blank. I was paralyzed by fear. Deer in the headlights, could not move.
This month we are diving into relationships. In the first week’s work we are examining what we learned from our family of origin and our first friendships. It’s bringing up some stuff I don’t like. It feels yucky, but at the same time I am having some good insights and learning about myself.
Here is how it ties into my goals.
Growing up in a strict religious environment I was taught early on that the most significant work one could do is the work of God. Saving souls. This was a sharp contrast to my ambitions to be a writer, actor, singer, fashion designer or other creative. These things were frivolous and possibly sinful if you believe what I was told.
When I look back at these ambitions, I see that what I really wanted was to be significant. The epitome of significance is being know the world over for some great skill or work.
It’s a basic human need that we all have: to be heard, validated. We want to know we matter. Those ambitions, in my mind, would get me the highest level of validation. While I never pursued those dreams, I did gain some notoriety for my bad behavior in our small private school and community.
Fast forward to today. I had an amazing call with one of the programs coaches. I could not work out why I had such a hard time setting a goal. After talking it through we came to the conclusion that most of what I pursued was because I was seeking to feel significant. I wasn’t doing things that I truly want to do and love doing because I didn’t feel significant enough to take the time for myself. I was listening to everyone else’s needs and wants to the extent of blocking myself. I don’t know what I want because I am letting everyone else drown out my own wants. I don’t see myself as significant enough to take the time.
My feelings come from my thoughts. My feelings of insignificance were my thoughts. I need to practice thoughts that I am significant. I will take time to myself. I will practice being significant to myself. I will hear myself.
Significance is a feeling I create with my thoughts. I am learning to see myself as significant. I don’t need the world to know I am significant. I don’t even need my family or friends to think I am significant. I need to see myself as significant. It’s a work in progress.